10 March 2009

Airplane Humour

By Farhan

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

2. Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in sight of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at Southwest Airways.”

Note from AirAsia Blog Team: Care sharing any jokes you might have heard in an Asian context? Write in and see what else we can have a laugh about.

  • Nickee

    I heard once, the first one to stand up when the seatbelt sign is still on have to clean the cabin. X)

  • Andrea

    Haha. Love it when the cabin crew and pilots have a sense of humor.

  • Kong Sun

    i have one joke but is kinda dirty wan. dunno izit suitable here anot
    hahahx…
    read about it in one of the Man’s magazine

  • Kong Sun

    A jumbo jet is just coming into the airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom and says: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Johnson speaking. We’re on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today. and i hopeyou enjoy your stay in KL.” Unknowingly, the pilot foegets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit. the co-pilot says to the pilot: “Well, Captain, what are you gonna do now?” By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to the conversation. “Well,” says the Captain, “First, I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long shower. Then I’m gonna take the new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the nice legs. I’m gonna wine and dine with her, then take her back to my room, and then i’m gonna make love to her all night long.’ Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes, flat on her face. The old lady leans over to her and says calmly: “No need to run, dear. He said he’s gotta take a shower first.”

  • Yvonne

    this is funny, thanks for sharing ;)

  • Adikk

    hahaha.. that got me bursting into laughter (without the sound coz i’m in the office when reading; and the Bosses doesnt know this…or so i think).. and got my colleagues giving me the weird look. Thanks for the funnies, pple.. and especially you Kong Sun.

  • Kong Sun

    No problem. A smile a day makes everyone happy.

    Initially i tot this wan will not be posted wan. But it did. hahaha

  • Sze Chin

    Oh My God~ it is so funny. Perhaps everyone is thinking what the hell i am doing here in the office smiling and putting on my vibrate laugh. Thanks for the sharing. Looking foward from more happening jokes…

  • Kalai

    the same,i was in my office when i read it and my colleagues gave me a weird look too.hahaha it was a good one,thanks for sharing.looking forward for more!!:p